This post is inspired by a conversation with a friend. In that conversation, my friend mentioned his apprehension at getting close to anyone for fear of ending up in a position where the two parties ceased all communication. I suppose this is an extension of the general fear of not feeling vulnerable; vulnerability is typically the result of increased closeness. However, he added that due to this fear coupled with his belief that he was to be blamed for it since it has happened multiple times, he was reluctant now to venture out to form any relationship. Please note that the term relationship is used very loosely and includes all forms such as friendship. That sort of got me thinking. I was equally upset and offended by the idea that someone would just absolve the other part of all the blame, irrespective of who was on the other side. That seemed like an easy pass for whomever he has interacted with. I believed that there were two ways of dealing with any issue that came up.
1) The most obvious and adult thing to do would be to sit down and talk about it without letting it escalate into something that is so deformed, by the time that you have given the issue to breed and multiply and mutate, that you do not recognise it anymore. In case a resolution is not possible, then the next best thing would be to keep your distance yet be civil about it. Not everyone in this world gets along with everyone else. Hence it is even more difficult to go through the process of stranger-ly behaviour towards an erstwhile friend (that, by the way, would be the antonym to 'friendly behaviour towards a stranger!). It is too much effort. Much more effort than being pleasant and understanding.
2) Figure out the complete opposite behaviour of (1) and go about behaving just like that. This would include ceasing all communication. I believe this mostly stems out of the idea that one can do no wrong and the only way a compromise can be reached at is if the compromise is essentially my way. There could also be other reasons. Maybe it is a move for self-preservation or one that results from the right or misguided assumption that this is for the best for the other person. I have my reservations for the latter for in believe assumptions are not the best guide for one can never truly and completely know someone and that someone's reaction to a particular situation.
After my conversation with my friend, I realised that there is also a third way.
3) Appropriate all blame onto yourself and make sure that this reflects in every possible relationship in the future.
I've gone through my share of these experiences. It is not a walk in the park. Well, unless by park you mean a wasteland with absolutely no scenic escape! I am trying as hard as I can to not come across as preachy. But this is what I have learnt from my experiences. There are always two people involved. Pulling off (1) involves both parties to choose to do so whereas (2) can be a unilateral decision. Therefore, this appropriation of blame on yourself is really unwarranted. There is no point feeling helpless instead one could just find solace in the fact that one tried. I think everyone is just as lost as the next person. The difference arises in some people admitting to it and the rest assuming that this admission would somehow make them seem weak and a compromise will somehow dent their's and others' perception of them as a fiercely independent and individualistic self. I've always believed that being given the ability to exercise one's choice is the best gift. However, there are times when such ridiculous stubbornness just makes sure that the choices made are a little wonky. I am not saying that the person's choice to cease communication is never right. I am just saying that it is not always right as is assumed. But again, I come to the point that another person is involved. One cannot control another person just as much as one wishes to not be controlled by someone else. So things may work out. Things may not. In the latter, it would be nice if you could go about it in a way that hints at setting out to erase the past. That is just futile and there is no way one can un-know a person. However, if it does not end amicably, maybe you should do what people do to 'erase' tattoos. They just make another tattoo on top of the one that needs to be 'erased'. So make new friends. Make new memories. It is a far more worthwhile use of your energy and time than the use of it to remind yourself to be extra cautious!
PS: Unedited version.
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I really like the clear headed thoughts you have written down. And like you too I would say talking about it and maintaining distance with civility is the best way to go about failed relations. But not everyone would want to talk, at times they just want to walk away without any explanation and busying themselves in making new relations. If they pause and think what went wrong and why, may be they will build better relations next time....but everyone likes to run after what is 'new' and 'engaging' without even realizing that as the gloss is over the cycle would repeat.