Breeding Lucidity: Change

I suppose I will be starting another post with a reference to the lack of updates on this page. Too obvious. But I guess that's a nice way to ease back into it.

A lot has happened in the past few months. On the other hand, things have remained quite stagnant as well. A lot of changes and yet a defining lull. It has been quite weird with this constant sense that something is brewing. I do not know what. I do not know if I should really be looking forward to it, or if I really am looking forward to it. However, it seems like a good feeling as of now. Even if externally nothing seems to be changing or showing any signs of changing any time soon, there's a sense of churning. The optimist that I am, I am quick to hope that this is one of those cleansing or uplifting rituals, minus the totem poles and locks of hair. However, from a lot of experiences, I've consciously made the decision to ration hope. So the very instant that I feel such irrational amounts of hope flooding my system, I plug the faucet. A leaky faucet of hope will have to do. That should be able to quench my thirst for certainty - the certainty that the small amount of hope gives me in the events turning out in the best possible way. Confusing, isn't it? That's the insides of my head for you! At one level I do understand the uncertainty of the very idea of change, or the possibility of change and this churning that I seem to be enjoying and on the other hand I am holding on to the hope that reassures me of certainty of the outcome - not in terms of what exactly the outcome shall be but about the relative quality of the outcome.

Amidst all this, one thing that has taken over an immense amount of certainty for itself is my desire to write a book. I really do not know what it will be about, how long it will be, whether it will have characters in it or whether it will turn out to be one really long monologue. But, I know that I will write it. It has to be written. There are so many words that need to be said and need to be said in a way I have not before, so many words that have to be put together in ways that I have not tried before. It would be a crying shame if I didn't write it. So there. That's some certainty I can hold on to about the future. But for now, the impending (?) change shall have to please me soon!