Breeding Lucidity

I hate getting sick. I guess the most common response to that statement will be “DUH!” Everybody does. Mine has more to do with the fact that I hate popping pills. I don’t mind the pain(but that doesn’t mean I look forward to it!). But swallowing pills is not something I do with grace. I am absolutely paranoid about choking on them. And I have made the most fuss over it a lot many times than I can be proud of. Coming to think of it, I suppose the fear really stems out of the fact that I am sh*t scared of dying an unnatural death. Well, of course, another DUH statement follows. I do not claim to be the only person who thinks of it this way. I don’t want to go through the last few minutes knowing that I am done for. That it is indeed time to stick a fork in me. I suppose the lack of all hope at that stage would be too painful! I have had someone close to me go through that. And in her last moments, all she could think of (while being taken to the hospital at 3 am) was that her granddaughter would be alone in the house at such early hours in the morning. To be honest, I am not sure if I am capable of such selfless acts. I suppose when you still have time to live, you are ready to be ‘selfless’ because there’s a sense of hope – that things will make a difference, what goes around comes around – if not from this person, someone else it shall be. But when it is time to let go of it all, will you be able to do it with dignity? Will you be able to see no hope and yet do something that will make no difference to your existence? Will you be able to look at the people around you and be happy that they will see a tomorrow and you won’t? Will you still believe that when you figure out the plusses and minuses of life, it does turn out to be fair? I know how much I expect already from strangers, acquaintances, friends, people I would like to know, the ones that I wouldn’t want to have anything to do with – heck from life itself. If I am all that when I am capable of making a conscious choice between whether I should let myself be vulnerable and not, I am not too sure if I’d be able to let go when I am vulnerable and things are out of my control. I guess I will probably be as graceful as when I am popping these Crocin Cold and Flu pills – awkward, uncomfortable and in a ridiculously optimistic sense – hopeful, for a miracle.